I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
