I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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