Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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