yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
