We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
