my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
