I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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