I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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