I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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