He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
