we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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