I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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