Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
