he puts the penis in happiness.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
