I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
