I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
