...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
