a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
