he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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