Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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