So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
