If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
