every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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