First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
