then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I AM VODKA MAN
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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