dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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