Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
