I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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