hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
