Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
