last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
