He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
