mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
