Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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