sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
