girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
