hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
