im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
