margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
