Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
it's great music for shaving your balls
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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