on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
