On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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