I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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