i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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