I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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