Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
