those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
