How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
