I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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