Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The Olympian is in my bed
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
