He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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